Introduction
Remi Bader joins Khloé for a raw and unfiltered conversation about self-worth, heartbreak, and the truth about her body transformation. From online trolls to healing, Remi’s finally telling her side of the story — and all the things the internet got wrong. Remi Bader joins Khloé for a raw and unfiltered conversation about self-worth, heartbreak, and the truth about her body transformation. From online trolls to healing, Remi’s finally telling her side of the story— and all the things the internet got wrong.
Main Body
I love your notes. You better f*** it up. This is the SATs of podcasts apparently.
Now I’m scared. I’m like, what are we doing? I do feel like all of this and why I wanted to talk about it will actually be just a relief on me. I feel like it’s kind of been all of this has been like eating me alive inside a little bit. When you say something as a content creator, someone with a following, people listen to you. I know, it’s a lot of responsibility. It’s a lot of responsibility and I’m sharing my journey, but I’m not here to tell anyone what. To do you should see the messages I get on a daily basis, I feel like people just want like an answer from me and that’s not what I’m giving. I just want it to be on my terms and because I want to, not because anyone’s making me.
So Remy, I know that you haven’t, you don’t do a lot of like podcasts. I used to. Right.
I used to; I’ve been on social media for like four-ish years now. Before that, I wasn’t. And I feel like I liked, I liked to talk; I like to talk. So, I would do a lot of podcasts and things, and I feel like I kind of set a boundary for myself in, I guess it was like September of 2023, where I was like, just getting too much shit online from people and negative, mostly related to like my body and how I looked that I was like, ‘Why, why am I giving all this to people and like giving everyone all of me when like they’re not respecting me? And I was just like, ‘I’m just letting you guys know like I’m done sharing anything about personal and my health and me. And you actually reposted that video and you got some for that, do you remember that?
I do, but I don’t care about that stuff.
I know you don’t care, but I just it’s like I think it goes to show like how the whole point of the internet is like, right, like you got stuff for that, for people saying
‘for me’ supporting you and being a guy, remember how proud I was and am of you um for being vulnerable. But more importantly For setting a boundary for whatever the boundary is, yeah, I think in this industry it’s people with social media-people feel like they have the right to say anything they want about you, and yes, they i guess they technically do have that right. But you have the same right to limit yourself to what type of exposure you want to put out there, right? And the fact that you were doing that and not feeling like you had to continuously feed the beast-that is so respectable and I was so proud of you for that because that’s a hard thing to do, especially when you’re like you-you said you were only on you started in 2020, yeah, and I’ve always been
An open book right, it was like that, never changed once I got online; it wasn’t a thought like ‘oh, I’m gonna start not sharing this.’ Like, that’s why people started wanting to follow me because they were like, ‘oh, wow, she’s sharing everything’
and that’s a scary thing when you then change that right? So, you and I don’t know the year we met; I don’t know the year, maybe 2021 or two, yes, and yeah, we met at a good American event.
Yes.
And I’ve just loved you. You are a lightning rod and I connect with you and I feel like so much of the things that you go through, I’ve been through; I could relate with you on. And you and I, we chat back and forth and something that I always just feel so terrible for you about is the, like just the noise that’s constantly. ringing on your side. And I hate that for you. But what I’ve loved from afar is I see such growth in you and I see the stance you’ve taken. And I feel like now, especially being with you right now, because I’m not with you in person a lot, it’s like a don’t fuck with me type of energy. But I love that. And maybe that’s also like I know when I went into my 40s, I was intentional. Like I’m not taking a lot of this toxic shit with me. Cause a lot of got me down in my thirties. And that’s also what I was saying too. It doesn’t matter how old you are, what you’ve gone through. Sometimes you can be even older and something just hits you the wrong way. And it’s like knocks you off your balance. And for you, I sort of feel like the same thing’s happening for you. You’ve entered this new decade, this new era. And it’s like, okay, this is the new version of me. You’re going to take it or leave it. Yeah.
Do you feel like that? I do. I do. I feel like it’s taken me a while to get here. And I also think that. The people that follow me or see me online think that it’s just because of the way I look or have changed my appearance that now I’m giving this energy. And it’s I think the point is that it’s so much more than that. Right. Like, it’s not just that. Like, yes, I do look different than when I started on social media and that, and how I looked last year. And I think it’s I do understand why people feel it needs or should be addressed. I don’t think I owe anyone anything. No. But I do think it’s. It’s part of me wanting to still want to share my journey while still keeping those boundaries on me. And I feel like that’s why it’s like I’m not just going to give people an answer like, yes, I did this or this because exactly what you’re saying. Like, I do feel like happy and I do feel like I’m giving; I feel a different energy within me. But it’s not just because of the way I look-there’s so much more that happened. And there’s so much more like in the past year that got me to this point.
Right. I totally get that one. I mean, I remember when we started being on TV when I was 21 or 22. And I remember the questions people would ask. And it was a different time than to they would ask such intrusive questions. And yes, at the time, I would answer them because I’m 22. And I’m like, oh, and I would answer things. And now when I see old clips of myself, I’m like, the audacity that even that adult thinks I would like that-I should answer that. It could be a sexual thing. And I’m like, doesn’t even mean I’m. Doing that thing, I just don’t think that’s for you to even have out there if I am or if I’m not and I remember now looking back, I’m like, but it’s okay, the older you get, or the more wisdom you get, that you do set those boundaries for yourself, so I totally relate to that.
And I think that that people love to say, like, you change; I’m sure you’ve gotten that over time too, and I think it’s like, I was fighting that for so long, like, no, I haven’t, like, I’m the same Remy, and I’m like, but I also like, aren’t you supposed to over time, like, change and evolve at the same time? Like, I’m like, why is that an insult now?
I’m trying to accept that I’m like, yeah, like there’s parts of me that have changed; well, that’s like me getting mad at my six-year-old child if she’s like, ‘I do not eat chicken fingers today and then in a year she’s like, ‘I only eat chicken’; like, we’re supposed to evolve, adapt, and guess what? Our taste buds change for food, yeah, for life, for just, What we want to do. So I find whenever people say, you’ve changed, as if that’s a negative thing; just say thank you. Yeah, I want to say, I hope so; I want to f***ing change. Like, hello. So I know you’ve been really private about your health journey. But in Nylon Magazine, you did say that you don’t owe anybody an explanation, which I believe you really don’t. But I know that you do struggle with yourself, because you have always been such an open book. You do struggle with giving. Your fans may explain the explanation, but also having some boundaries and privacy for yourself is that still how you’re feeling?
Yes, I still feel like I; it’s hard for me to have these boundaries, but I’m sticking to them as best as I can. I knew that me losing a very significant amount of weight was going to end up being something I should probably talk about, but not something in the way that like it’s been received online, of like I need to I owe it to people I’ve let down, women in society like all these things, I mean you should see the messages I get on the daily and it’s like that actually makes me want to tell my story and my journey less right, that pisses me off, yeah the people and the reason that I do then feel like guilty and like I do want to talk about it is for the people that like I guess I used to be that message me and are like so desperate for like I just you seem happier, like I would love to figure out a way to be happy too, and they’re basing that just on my body and there’s obviously more to that but like I used to actually message people, I don’t. remember who or when but before i had a following of like when i would see people lose weight or be go or just going through any sort of life journey and look happier and i would be like i need help like i remember being that right so Those are the people that then I’m just like, I love to help people by just I’m not saying I’m I have all the answers because I literally don’t. But by just sharing my story and that’s what I miss and feel like I lost that connection a little bit with my followers. But I needed to do it for me. Like I needed to give myself the whole past year to heal and like figure out what even just happened. Right. Because there is just like. I feel like people just want like an answer from me and that’s not what I’m giving.
But see that I find to be very responsible. Like I think if anyone were to give an answer or justification or explanation of any sort, when you’re still processing and going through something yourself and still having this body transformation, I don’t even know if that’s really responsible because you’re going through it yourself. And if you’re going through it, you don’t really know. The ups, the downs. And it would be okay to share all those moments. But sometimes people don’t want to talk about it while they’re going through it. I know that’s how I’ve felt in a lot of situations. Like, let me process this. Let me discuss it when I can. And I think that’s the mature thing to do.
I agree. And I think that I always did it a different way, which I don’t regret those things. Like, even just, like, going through a breakup online and bringing my followers through that. Like, I needed that. Because I actually needed their support and never went through something like that.
The accountability, yeah, so you don’t go back that’s for sure that too, nope. I’m not gonna go back to that person.
Um, but this situation, I stuck to what I actually feel like. I don’t regret that and I don’t feel like I owed anyone anything. I think it’s more just at this point, I can’t like live my life and post because I am someone that just posts on social media. I do do other things, but like if I post any video, it’s just about at this point like, well, are you going to tell us how you lost the weight? And are you going to tell us, give us answers? You’re lying. You’re not sharing anything. And like, it’s kind of at this point eating me alive. And it’s not, and I had to really think about it. I just want it to be on my terms when I was ready. And because I want to, not because anyone’s making me.
Well, what, if anything, do you want to share about your health journey?
I do want to say that before saying all of this, I’m not a doctor. And I’m sharing my journey, but I’m not here to tell anyone what to do. When I posted that video in 2023, I feel like that’s when things started kind of going downhill with my health, September 2023, where I told people I wasn’t going to share any more about it. That’s when I started feeling it myself. It wasn’t just like other people around me. I’ve always had, you know, noise and things from my parents telling me to lose weight, just like growing up with that. You know, especially as I gained more weight, which was frustrating. I definitely felt that from, like, my boyfriend at the time, but that was more of what I was. I wasn’t sure and I felt that from, like, friends and family; it was like this unsaid thing. I think from the start in 2020, I gained probably like 80 to 100 pounds to 2023, so that you know, I’m not looking at it in that way, but everyone else online would let me know about how much weight I gained, which was such a like, mind can I say yeah, you could say anything like a mind, yeah um, and really confused me. So it was everyone else letting me know that, but at the same time, I was actually like I remember Like my back went out, I was in bed for like a month.
Wow.
Like I was like, if I even liked to turn a little, I would like scream in pain. I would here and there when I could go to I don’t know, fashion events or I had friends’ weddings and things, and I would literally bring Dr. Scholl’s shoes because I could not stand in my heels, and I was wearing like gowns with these shoes because I was in so much pain-my knees were going out. I would get glam done and it would be off my face in 20 minutes because I was like dripping sweat in my apartment off my face. I think there became more. There was like those things but then there became more serious things where it actually started like clicking a little for me, I was in pain, so that was one, but then like I had a you know my a constant period and my doctor was telling me I was becoming infertile and at 28, and that’s scary, yeah. And um, I was, you know, a lot of things like I was tracking my; I was always going to a doctor. So I was like tracking and seeing kind of how things were going downhill in terms of my heart, my cholesterol. I mean, they were telling me I was morbidly obese. And there was there was a number of things. I think the infertile thing definitely hit me, right. And the. Literally, the pain that I was in and like limping and like couldn’t walk normally and things like that, and then I I remember actually that day again I keep going back to that video that I posted that you reposted, but that day was when I made this decision because I was like, okay do you regret posting that video? No, okay I don’t regret posting that video; I wish that people remembered it, but people, you know, like I thought that that was gonna be like my savior of like well I already said that I’m not gonna share it anymore got it, but like no people like will they don’t pay attention to that.
And normally not like the good; they’re just holding on to whatever they want to be angry about.
They’re just like, well, you aren’t being the same way you are. And I’m like, but I told you a long time ago I was done doing that.
You’re like, I want to pin this. No, I’ve reposted it five times.
I’m like, no one’s going to listen. You’re like, whatever. So that day I was like, if none of these people existed in my life that feel this way or all of these outside people, what would I do now? I already feel like I tried everything. I feel like it’s important to say what I tried because I also like really dealt with binge eating for years. I would say like 2019 on. I always did like diets and restricted and then gained weight, lost weight, like the typical growing up, like doing the diets with my mom for fun. Like, you know, that ended up traumatizing me later on.
But it was a different time. It was a different time. I know that sounds crazy. No, it’s not crazy. Things were acceptable. in the 90s early 2000s that I mean would not fly I have the conversation with my mom all the time like I’m like I want to not hold this against you I love you like it’s not our it’s really not our parent if you like put in context the timing it’s there they were just doing the best that they knew how yes so I tried a number of things I went to a very like serious six
-week intensive binge eating program I went to, right before that, I went to like Overeaters Anonymous meetings, which I’m not sure if people even know. It’s literally like, hey, you sit in a circle. Like, hi, I’m Remy. And I tried everything. Like I was desperate. You know, I did that program. And after that program, which I think was the summer of 2022, it would be like the ultimate no to do something that had to do with weight loss after that. But that’s when the Ozempic stuff was coming out and like people started using it. I think I said this before. I’m not sure if I ever did, but I tried Ozempic before it was even a thing in 2020 when it just came out.
Okay.
During COVID and like my doctor was just like, oh, you’re pre-diabetic. You should try this. I went on it. I lost probably like 10 pounds, but I was really sick and threw up a lot from it. Like it just didn’t work for me.
Right.
And then after the eating disorder program, I was like, so I gained a lot of weight from that program just based on like what they tell you to do. And like you’re eating a lot. Whatever your program is, I gained a lot more weight. So I was even in more pain and more uncomfortable. And I was like, I can’t. I don’t care anymore. I’m going to try Ozempic again. So I tried it again. I was getting sick every day. Lost a little bit of weight. Not a lot. I don’t feel like it worked very well for me. Switched to Monjaro. Tried that. Same kind of thing. And at that point, it was like probably like six months. And I was just like, ‘I can’t; I’m not going to just keep this miserable every day that I went off of that and then gained even more weight. Like, that’s what that summer it just caught up to me. Like, I just became I do believe for me, and I have to say that because I’ve said in the past, and it’s turned into something else; like Ozempic, and those, I think, if it works for someone, amazing, great for you. For me it didn’t and it was such a band-aid for me that when I went off it I got like ravenous starving. I didn’t do maybe enough therapy or things I need to do to change my behaviors during that time and I got a lot bigger.
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So then I was on, I was like, okay, I’ve tried everything. Right. Every single thing in the book, what haven’t I tried? And I did come across on TikTok, like bariatric TikTok. Like weight loss surgery. And I was like, oh, I could never while I have like this following and I’m living this life, like maybe in like 10 years if I’m or a few years or whenever I’m less relevant, I’ll do it. And I just think that day was like, let me inquire. Like, I don’t care. Right. Literally, that next because that that next morning I called my back surgeon who connected me with a surgeon that does bariatric surgery. And what is bariatric surgery? Yes. So, bariatric surgery is like a term for it’s weight loss surgery, but there’s different types. OK. And what I would see, what I feel like is most common and what I would see on TikTok, the only one I would see mostly was the sleeve, the gastric sleeve. Right. Which is the only thing I was looking at because I was just seeing, oh, the recovery is easy. It’s not that big a deal. And maybe I’ll do that. When I called my surgeon, I thought it was interesting because, well, who became my surgeon? He said, I explained the binge eating. I explained everything I was going through. And he’s like, you can’t do the sleeve. And I’m like, why? That’s the only thing I would do. I guess I’m not doing this then. And he was like, basically, the sleeve is where they cut out 80% of your stomach. It’s like a pretty quick surgery compared to some of the other ones. And if you are a binge eater, an emotional eater, if you eat a lot and you continue that behavior, even though it’s harder because your stomach’s smaller, it’s a real thing. It’s not a myth that you could stretch your stomach back. I have a few people that did this leave and that’s what happened to them. Right. So they’re like not even, a lot of people go back and have to get a revision surgery or something else or go on Ozempic or any of those things after because it didn’t work for them. And he was like, this isn’t going to work for you. And I was like, why would I do something that he’s telling me isn’t going to work? So I was like, what’s the alternative? There’s also the bypass. So again, this is all under bariatric surgery. What he told me is that there was a brand, a new surgery, a newer surgery, which is what I did. And what-Everyone online, of course, at this point, everyone’s like, OK, well, she did one of the shots or she did the sleeve or something like no one guessed this because it’s not a known thing. So it’s called Sadie, which is a very long name, but it’s like the acronym is Sadie, which I would say is a mix of both of those surgeries. They cut out 80 percent of the stomach. They move around the intestines. I also was, you know, got. With my health issues, I ended up having a fatty liver, so um they actually had to like hold up the liver during that too because it could be dangerous and why even talking about this would I think that the recovery would be so simple is insane but I was told that how was the recovery I brutal, the worst thing of my life. Like I did the surgery, he did tell me And and it’s I can’t blame him because it’s what most people, I had a rarer situation. I just reacted differently. That’s the point. Like, this is my journey. Everyone reacts differently to everything. Right. And I did I did the surgery. He said I would be out of the hospital in a day. And that in five days I could travel and like go back to my work schedule. I couldn’t leave the hospital. I couldn’t swallow water. I was like projectile vomiting. Like I was just like, they don’t let you leave if you can’t drink water. I was so sick. I was in recovery for hours after like in the recovery room. But then that went on for six weeks.
Stop.
No, like it was hell. That’s brutal. And again. He said this wasn’t normal. So that was actually making me feel worse at the same time. I’m like, something’s wrong. I should have never done this. Like I literally ruined my body, like ruined everything. I was home. I started like, I mean, I went home and. was with my parents like ended up going I tried being home in my apartment when I was with my boyfriend at the time so he was you know trying to be as supportive as he could be but I ended up going and living with my parents because they were concerned and like I was non-stop throwing up I could not eat and this went on so long that I got like a very scary like deep depression I did not want to live anymore like I would literally just stare at the wall all day and be sick like it was just horrifying and I think at that time, I, yeah, I had a lot of regret. I was like, oh my God, I’ve been this person for this. I’ve been this person that people like looked up to online for this whole time, of like, I won’t say body positive because that wasn’t me. But I always said if I was uncomfortable in my body or struggling, I was very open that I was struggling. But I was this person that was like, ‘but be confident in whatever you look like.’ And I still do believe that. And I believe that anyone can. If you are in a bigger body, you could be happy. You could be healthy. No one could tell you’re unhealthy unless you only know your health. And I have so many friends that are. I actually was so jealous of those people and wanted to get there. And I couldn’t because my journey was different. And I was in pain. And I was struggling with health. And this is what I felt I needed to do.
I think that’s, first of all, it’s very brave that you’re sharing that. And I think. what I can sense from you and what I know from our conversations is you are so much happier now but I know that’s also a slew of other things that you’ve worked on it’s not just the physical part there was a lot internal and still every day I’m working on myself and there’s days I give myself pep talks I’m like nope it’s going to be a good day like it’s you know it’s all about the mindset do you feel like now because it’s been over a year over a year yeah Do you feel like now you’re in a good place, not just body wise, but sure, aesthetically? Like, are you like, damn, I love myself. And but internally, are you like, damn, I love myself.
I think I’m getting there. OK, I think that do. And I’ve been like so nervous to say this of how to say it the right way. But I’m going to be completely honest. Like, I think I still have struggles. I think we’re all going to have struggles in whatever body or whatever. point we’re in in our life. Have those things since the surgery, in terms of the health issues that I explained, which is why I did it, I did it for my health, have those things improved and gotten better? My blood work is 100% normal. It hasn’t been in probably five years. That’s great. I have genetically a bad back. Knock on wood, I have not been in bed with a bad back since. My knees don’t hurt anymore. I don’t sweat the way I used to. I fully got my periods back to normal. Like so many things are I have more energy than ever.
But the things that you can’t see. And that’s what I think. Right. People on social media. Yeah. Sort of forget like, yes, you might see this happy go lucky girl while I’m filming this content. But internally, for a lack of a better term, you’re.
sort of killing yourself because you’re not prioritizing your health so your internal health i was like deteriorating in every way and it wasn’t just physical health it was my mental health my physical health my emotional i was like completely lost myself i would look i would not look at myself in the mirror like for over a year like i would literally like try and look at like maybe just the glam i got in just my face i would not connect my face with my body like i completely just disconnected myself so yes since then i’ve fully been working on like Trying to reconnect myself. Like I look very different. I also could not control the amount of weight that I lost. I did not want to. I’ll be completely honest. I’m probably the only person that’s ever gone into a weight loss surgery. But like, how do I make sure I don’t lose too much and I stay curvy? Like he was like ‘no.’ Like after the fact. And I was like, ‘I literally like have called him and been like what can I do to stop the weight loss?’ Like I didn’t want to get to this point. I wanted to still be able to be healthy but curvy. I loved my curves. I always have. I feel like. The negatives, I guess, are a little bit of like I’ve definitely lost a little bit of my identity in myself. But then I think, when did I even have that? Because I wasn’t big enough at a point to be plus size when I became online. Then, when I became plus-size, I was too big to do stuff. Like I became too big to even do stuff with these fashion brands and designers because then I was too big. Like people were giving me all these names and titles of what I was, what I wasn’t. You’re not body positive. This, this. Now I’m too skinny. I’m like. I just don’t. It’s exhausting.
It’s exhausting. It’s exhausting. Like which avenue are you? It’s exhausting. And I think the point is we have to stop labeling people and either just enjoy them through your phones or don’t. Like, to me, it’s that simple. I have friends who have done the sleeve, which I said. And when they lost, like when they got to the most weight they can lose, they didn’t recognize themselves because they had identified so much as a bigger person before.
That’s the point of what you said before. How the hell was I supposed to share my thoughts that I’m still figuring out with everyone else? Because then when you say something as an influencer, a content creator, someone with a following, people look at it as like they’re going to listen to you. I know. It’s a lot of responsibility. It’s a lot of responsibility. And I don’t want to be a person that’s a weight loss surgery advocate, because what if they have this bad recovery? I want to be so open that I had a horrible recovery, but that I do feel better. Now right I want to share both sides to it; I think that’s important. I’m still processing all of it, um, it took me a while, I mean, I lost over a hundred, I probably over 140 pounds in less than a year, wow, I don’t even know, right?
So I always say to people because my journey, I always say there’s not a one-size-fits-all; yeah, because I’ve tried everything under the sun, um, I used to binge eat. It was horrible. And I get that guilt. You binge eat. It feels so good in the moment. And then as soon as you’re done, you’re crying in the shame and the guilt. And then the next day, for some reason, you sort of do it again. I used to have that same situation. I didn’t go to the Overeaters Anonymous and stuff like that. I don’t really know what I did therapy, but it’s a horrible feeling. got in control through my workouts, like that’s how I work, but everyone’s different and there’s no one-size-fits-all, and I also don’t want to be like, ‘all you have to do is workout’, it’s not that easy, it’s taken me-I’ve been working out for like 10 years, but it’s baby steps. I did like it took me a very long time to get to where I am and people forget that and all of the work that it takes from within though, because your brain is a muscle, you have to retrain that to even love yourself, to look at yourself, and I tell one of my girlfriends, she works with me, we were both bigger, and now that we’re smaller, we’re both like, ‘but’ we’re athletic, smaller, we’ll always joke and be like, ‘I was so much more confident when I was fat and chubby and like, ‘now in a bathing suit, I’m like oh, do you see this and like, it’s, you’ll always have some sort of You’ll always feel a certain way about yourself.
I think that’s normal and everyone does.
But it’s crazy that we’re so mean to ourselves. But I think so much of it is society constantly nitpicking you. And whether it’s, like you said, when you’re thinner, how dare you get so thin? But when you’re bigger, they call you all these names. They shame you. That’s when you sort of just have to throw your hands up in the air and be like, you know what? That’s what I did.
Do you feel like you owed it to people to tell them that you lost weight? When you were going through that journey?
It’s weird. There was definitely, there wasn’t TikTok or anything like that. And I feel like TikTok and Twitter was, it was like new Twitter and newer Instagram. So, people didn’t have the balls that they do now, I would say. Like now it’s a different level of people feeling like they have the right to attack people. But people definitely would make their assumptions. And I mean, I would work out. But they always were like, you’re not the same person anymore. You’re not funny. We liked the fat Chloe. Always saying, well, that’s not nice either. But always as if I let so many people down. And that’s why I relate to what you’re saying so much. But you just have to worry about not letting yourself down. And if you feel like you’re doing the right thing, and I think sharing your journey at the right time is the responsible thing. And if you want to share it, like, all you people, because I will say that when I did share how I lost the weight, people were like, ‘That’s not true.’ Tell us how you really did it. And I don’t know what you want me to do. Like, people tell this day or like you only film that you’re in the gym for the five minutes I’m filming and then you leave. I’m like, ‘What? Like, I also have.’ Muscles like you can’t get muscles by not earning them, yeah, like but yes, I could be you know really thin and I don’t care what people are though; I don’t care if you’re thin, athletic, bigger doesn’t matter to me. But I’m not the one judging people and telling them how do you do it, and then when they answer me, I say oh, you’re lying. So when I was asked and told my story, it was never good enough. And I’m only saying that to maybe, I don’t want to say warn you, but just prepare you that no matter what, even though you’re admitting, I did a weight loss surgery. It wasn’t ideal, but I feel great now.
They’re going to be like, you still let us down.
You let, or is that all you did? What else did you do? Like I tell everyone, I got my nose done and people are like, and I go, I would tell you if someone wants to, I want to know what other people do. So they’ll go to their doctor.
Like I was thinking there, I was thinking this before about you and how in when I was younger in middle school and high school, like you were who I would I never felt like influencers or like I always followed you and saw like appreciated you. But for me, I was like thinking back, I’m like, it’s definitely because a piece of it, not all of it. I felt like I related to you and your personality and who you were and being funny and like, but you were curvier and I was and I grew up that way. So I was like, oh, wow, I have someone to relate to. The difference is that I feel is I never once you lose the weight or once you change your appearance or anything, it never made me angry. It never made me be like, how dare she? And I don’t like her anymore. I never felt that I was trying to really think before. Did I feel that way ever? No, I think you feel a little bit of like, damn, I wish I could.
Maybe do that or maybe I could get to that point or something which is fine and that’s why I said those messages, I understand um but everyone has their own journey how are you going to be so harsh on someone for that and like why would I look at you as a completely different person just because you change your body I’ve never felt that way and for me I feel the same like it should if you care to and everyone’s on their own journey if you care to be on that weight loss health journey then great, maybe it will inspire and motivate someone. But if some people just aren’t there yet mentally, then they will use that as, you know, it’s going to be weaponized against you as opposed to encouraging someone and motivating them. So it’s really just where that person’s at because that’s why people talk shit. Just because either they can’t, either they don’t want to get it together or they don’t care to figure that part out for them. And that’s okay too. It’s even just from a health. Aspect so many people are afraid to check out what’s going on internally, yeah. And they think it’s just an aesthetic thing, and a lot of people won’t go to doctors; they won’t go to dentists, it could be as superficial as going to the eye doctor. People are afraid of that information.
That makes me think I was also very defensive when I was bigger, and I would say ‘happier’ than I was when I you know started getting in pain and got to a certain point like there was a point that I was like ‘happy’, sometimes I definitely was struggling a little but I would get defensive because I wasn’t ready or I wasn’t there. And I actually was like ‘no’, you could be bigger and be happy. And I still believe That yes, I just think when you feel a certain point and if you have to do something for yourself like why can’t you do that and I also have so many girlfriends that are bigger and they’re totally healthy, yes, and they work out but they’re just a bigger shaped person and they’re beautiful.
And All these things. So I’m not, I don’t think anything has to do with the aesthetic on the outside. I am an advocate for the internal of it all. Like I believe in doctors and getting tested and seeing your blood levels. And if that’s all good and you’re bigger and you love your life, live on.
Right. And I think if I did, because I like. People don’t want to believe it, but like I really love always loved my curves. I think that’s why I feel a little bit of like a loss of identity because I’m like ‘oh my god, where’s my ass? Like I always loved my ass right on so like I I I missed that and if I could have gotten to that point, I tried, I tried for years, I wanted to it just got to another another level for me.
I think what infuriates me the most is my son Tatum. I had him through surrogate, yeah. And people always say ‘oh, because you didn’t want to mess up your body.’ And I’m like, no, it’s so not that vain of a reason. I literally was not able to carry him. And I would have loved to, but I wasn’t able to. And my doctor, even I remember, I had the appointment on my show. This goes back to the video you posted. She said on camera, she’s a medical practitioner. You think she’s going to like lie for a TV show? No. And she even said how high-risk I would be. She doesn’t advise me carrying my own child.
People ignore that.
Do people care to remember that? No. So I still hear that narrative. So again, keep reposting your video if you want. But people will only retain what they care to retain that fits their narrative in their head. It’s not about you anymore. And so you just have to keep living your truth and just know that you’re doing the right thing and you’re working on your happiness every day. We all are. You’re not the only one. So don’t feel like, ‘God, I’ve done all this and I’m still not fully happy every day.’ That’s really normal, especially with how much you expose yourself to. Yeah. Because I think it’d be really easy to live in a bubble and ignore everything and be like, ‘OK, I’m happy because I’m only surrounded by this insulated group.’ But you’re choosing to do something that’s very vulnerable and you’re putting yourself out there.
And I think that it’s not. talked about as much or people don’t know too that there’s also is like insane life changes you have to make if you choose to do a surgery, so I used to see people say like ‘there’s a lot of work into it’ and I’m like ‘what, no? There are those things I’m struggling every day with just acclimating to my new life. Like, there are rules that you have to follow or you could get very sick, so I, you know, you have to eat over like 120 grams of protein a day. Do I do that every day? Absolutely not.
That’s work. Yeah. I try to do that for muscle building. And I’m like, how the heck do people do this?
You’re supposed to drink like so much water every day. I don’t hit what I’m supposed to do. I have to take about 20 vitamins a day for the rest of my life because your body’s not absorbing from food and things the same amount of nutrients. But there is a lot of every day. issues that I’m dealing with but I did try and think are those issues are those struggles like worth it compared to what I was dealing with before the binging and all of that I do feel like right now they are I feel like I am happier overall and I can learn to acclimate to those changes even though they’re still difficult the reason I’ve been so careful and nervous to talk about this is it is a newer surgery and I don’t know Next year, what’s going to happen in three years and five years? So, I just don’t know.
But I think that’s why you’re smart by saying, this is my experience. I want to be honest with what I did. But you’re not saying for everyone to go out and do that. You’re expressing what your experience is, highs and lows. Yeah. I have a question, which do you notice? Something I thought was really, I forget her name, the housewife girl in Salt Lake City. Heather? Heather. Heather Gay, I think her name is. She’s been really vocal about using Ozempic. She sort of had the similar experience. People were like, oh, you’re a sellout, blah, blah, blah. I’m paraphrasing. But basically, she said, but how people treat me now, it’s so different, like in a good way. Like, there is that group. And that’s also the f***ed up thing about society. People want to say. Oh, we want you bigger, we want you bigger, but then when like how I was treated in the fashion world before, how I was treated when I did photo shoots, my sisters-I was the backup dancer right basically and no one that it like I was all the way in the back. I would have racks of clothes maybe I’m not exaggerating six to eight pieces because they didn’t have my size and I wasn’t that big of a girl. But my sisters would have racks and racks, like everyone else. We were treated so differently, and it was so obvious-like no one was sugarcoating it back then. And when she said that publicly, I was like, ‘Oh my gosh, I get it.’ Like, I feel the same way. Now even when I’m invited to things, or people would not even look me in my eye; they’d meet my sisters and be like, ‘Hi,’ and I’d be, ‘I’m like’ And I had a lot of sass then. So I’d be like, ‘Look me in my eye if you’re going to shake my hand.’ Like, I wouldn’t let them slide. But the difference in how I was treated versus now, I think that’s also why I get so turned off from a lot of these events. I’m like, ‘I’m not going on your red carpet. You didn’t invite me before. You were such a to me before.’ Or I remember what you said about me. Like people don’t. Words hurt and they leave scars. I’m like, I remember all that.
Yeah.
But my long comment of that is, do you feel the similar way?
It’s wild. Yeah. It’s wild. And I have used this and my learning all this is like a sociology experiment. I’m like, people are so interesting. Like not just the people saying the negative things. It’s the people saying the positive things. It’s the way that like they’re like, you look so happy. And I’m like, because I. Lost weight, like what does that mean? I’m just like very interested in what everyone’s thoughts are and yeah, I’ve never-even for years-not getting attention for a while from men, yeah, and now getting lots of it, yeah. Um, I with the fashion brands, I mean all I did was make and is I care about fashion inclusivity no matter what size I am. And I still will when I’m working on lines. I just came out with a line that goes up to a 6X. I’m not going to change my stance just because of how my body looks. And even with that, the amount of brands or designers that invite me now, but that didn’t invite me before, I’m like you. I remember everything. So I’m like, I’m good. Thank you, though. Eat no beef. Yeah. Remember. Right. I’ll never-I’ll never forget. And I do. I do think it’s really, really interesting the way people treat people based on how they look. It’s.
I think sometimes I would be like, ‘But why do you like me now? Just because I look better because I’m still the same me.’ Yeah. And if you would have cared to talk to me before, you would have noticed that about me. But I get we we eat with our eyes. I get it. So I do. But at the beginning, it definitely bothered me that these men were only talking to me because I knew I looked better aesthetically.
Yeah. I think I learned a lot in this past year just that unfortunately that is going along with like society. Like I think that’s the way it is. And a lot of people base things off of appearance. I don’t ever want to be end up or be with someone that doesn’t know me for me and is going to change their. Opinion on me and their love for me based on what I look like, I think I didn’t know that at the time. I’ve told you before that like I mean I had a lot of people know that I had my first relationship at I started dating him at 27 and that was during all of all of everything right. I feel like people don’t know the timeline of why And I think that makes that would make more sense for why it’s taken me so long to talk about everything from me getting the surgery to then going into that super deep depression. And then, right like the moment that was even over, I was still kind of going through that. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me. So I think in the beginning I acted like everything was fine and, you know, wasn’t going to be like, yeah, I’m actually currently in binge eating treatment and all this stuff, you know. And then as time went on and I also was still struggling and I was gaining weight.
Probably gained about 40 pounds in that relationship, which was my first relationship, it was a little under two years and I don’t want to call it love weight because you do you get comfortable with someone, you like to lay in bed and binge a little bit. We ate a lot, right?
You know, like it was like I agree, yeah, I do. And I noticed that after I’m like, I feel like a lot of that’s happened to a lot of people. Um, but I think that like thinking back on it, it’s interesting. Like yes, now it’s been like a year since we broke up and I’m not trying to like talk about a breakup or the actual situation. But I never spoke what I realized in the more in the past few months. I started getting like, I’m not sad anymore. I’ve moved on. I’m angry; I have a lot of anger in me that I would love to eventually get rid of. Um, and I think that’s because I think about it, I feel very bad for that girl. That was going through all of this and I really, really thought that I was like loved um and this was like the closest person to me for I thought I was loved for me being me and I, I realize now being outside of that which you don’t really realize some things when you’re in a relationship that that was not the case for me and I do think it’s important to bring up for anyone else that maybe is in a similar situation like I want to clear up that what I see online, what I’ve seen that has bothered me is revenge body, your breakup weight loss. Like, oh, wow, it took you a breakup.
Oh, like this was for him.
That’s all I see.
Oh. And I’m like. That’s annoying.
Absolutely not though. If it was true, I would say it was true. Who cares? If some people like get the motivation in that way, great. Like you’re focused on yourself. Yeah. You’re going to do that. For me, that absolutely didn’t happen. And I do feel like I need to clear that up because. I did this surgery and I did all of this for myself. And because at the end of the day, I felt I needed to do it for my health. I remember the day that I talked about when I decided I was going to do it. And that next day I sat my boyfriend at the time down and I said, ‘I just want to let you know I’m doing this surgery.’ I need to address things that are bothering me with my health and my weight, and told him what I was doing. I didn’t ask, and he didn’t say anything. And I was like, ‘Are you sure you have nothing to say?’ And he’s like, ‘I don’t want to say the wrong thing.’ So I’m like, ‘OK, that’s fine.’ Then, I then. started this journey, which is supposed to also involve a very specific diet, kind of before surgery, which I wouldn’t especially because it could be dangerous; um, I can’t say I did that amazingly. Like, I was definitely more in like a binge phase-like, ‘Well, this is the last time I could eat all these things.’
I get that.
And I guess he was watching me do that, and you know, there during that time. But he knew I was going to doctors, preparing for the surgery, had the date, all of this. And it was around, this was all around the time that I was like struggling the most. And I remember it was like right after my sister’s wedding, which was in November. And I was getting the surgery December 11th. That was definitely my lowest. And my lowest point mentally but also physically and I I’m not dumb and I I knew that there was a little bit of like I mean we weren’t having sex I think the amount that I would think that people in a relationship do again this was my first relationship so that definitely changed a little over time and I kept asking like I kept being like or like I kept saying things and it would be like Your back hurts or kind of blaming me or like or I’m tired or whatever it was. Gaslighting situation. Yes, definitely gaslighting. Until finally after the wedding, I was like, what am I doing? Like, I’m I’m not stupid and I feel something’s off. So I’m going to say it again. And I was like, I remember we were at my apartment and I was like, what? Something’s off. I feel like you don’t want to touch me. I feel like like something’s off. And he’s like, no, you’re crazy. Like, no. And I’m like. I just, I just don’t think that’s true. Out of nowhere, he was like, ‘I’m full of shit.’ You’re right. I have not been sexually attracted to you for a while since you gained the weight. And I literally liked it in that moment was just like, ‘Oh, my God’, like he’s literally everyone else online. My parents all as much as I love my parents – like all of these people that I felt. Felt a certain way about me because of my body, but I was like, this person doesn’t like him, but and he knew that you’re about to do this surgery right, like that’s what makes me angry, like you knew what I was going through, you knew I was actively getting it, like that’s I think that goes back to parents and stuff too, like when they see someone maybe hurting or they think someone’s hurting or struggling, like you’re gonna say something and maybe you say the wrong thing. If you’re not if you know, you know, I’ve had issues with my parents because of that. And they said the wrong thing. And I said, this is my life and I need to deal with it on my own. He chose to not say anything when I gave him the opportunity to for a good month or so. And then just like threw on me like, yeah, like I don’t I do feel this way because of what you look like. Like you told me the opposite, though. You told me. You didn’t, and I just felt very in that moment. I was like, ‘betrayed’, I’m like, ‘you’re like everyone else on the internet, get the out of my apartment!’ Like, I was literally like, ‘never talk to me again like I was screaming, I was literally like, ‘I just couldn’t believe that what I thought maybe would be true no, there’s no way like was true right. That was in November, we broke up for like a week, but he was like, ‘you know, changing the narrative a little bit’. Like, I want to be with you until I’m 90 so we could play pickleball; we don’t play pickleball, so we could play pickleball and and have a healthy happy life together. So then I started changing that narrative a little to my close friends. I told too, and being like well maybe it’s not about my body maybe it’s about health yeah To my parents and they were like, well, maybe he just wants the best for you, you know, but that led into we got back together. It wasn’t like a public breakup or anything that was just like between us. Right. And I remember I sat him down. I was like, I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to get this out of my head, but I’m gonna try because I was so in love and wanted the support during that time. And I sat him down. I was like trying to really explain what I never explained. Like I have an eating disorder. I have. I have this issue. Like I gained this weight because of this, this, and this. And he’s like, but you know, gaining 40 pounds isn’t normal, right? Like this isn’t normal.
And I’m like, I know it’s not normal. And I think that’s the misconception. People also think an eating disorder only goes one way. Right. It goes the other way as well. Yeah. Probably he was like, but. Like you’re full of shit. You’re eating.
Stop eating. You know, like when I did that eating disorder treatment center was with people with anorexia, bulimia, all different sizes and binge eating. Like it’s a lot of overlap. People don’t realize that. Right. And, you know, we got back together. I tried to pretend it was fine. And it actually was. It was me being the one a little like more cautious and him being so in the relationship. He would say things, though, like during that time of like you. I can’t wait for you to lose the weight so we could actually like I could throw you around in bed. We could actually have fun. You know, things that I just am like looking back, you know, like even telling me like and this was before the knowing about the surgery, like don’t eat the rice on that or this or this. And I’m just like now being out of it and thinking of all of it. I’m like, I feel like I really let myself down and also let like other people. And maybe that’s part of the reason I shut down online, too. Like I was just like. I completely let myself down too. And other people, like I’m supposed to be this like girl that’s like taking no shit and being like, never let yourself, you know, like I let this like man make me. I can’t ever blame someone for how I feel about myself, but I really lost all of my confidence in that situation.
I think somebody else didn’t do great things to you and it affected you. And that’s completely normal. And it happens to everybody. And someone who says it doesn’t, they’re full of shit. I know that I’ve been in relationships and the way I’ve been treated by that person; it, yes, I should walk around and be like, ‘Well, you and I don’t deserve that.’ But it’s not that easy. And you do let that affect you, and you become almost like a shell of yourself. And I think that sometimes, well, I know sometimes you have to be like knocked the out basically for you to wake up and something really bad because for me at least I had a lot of red flags and they were; I was colorblind and I didn’t see any of them, and things would happen and I would be like, ‘You just sort of either ignore them or go through life and make an excuse, like you said, and then something really bad has to happen at least for me that I had to wake up and be like, ‘Oh, okay, that wasn’t what it really was; it was something I was trying to create in this fantasy that I wanted to live, yeah. Because that’s what I wanted. But I don’t want it at this cost. And I think that’s what you were doing. And anyone that says they haven’t done that in their life, they’re lying. And especially that, that’s your first relationship; it’s so much harder to learn something the first time. I’ve had hundreds of, not hundreds, but I’ve had tons of relationships, and still, I’m learning with everyone. And more so because we do change and we evolve and we learn new boundaries that we want to set. And sometimes we feel guilty for setting them and we can’t feel that way. And I think what happened to you and that experience is really horrible. But I think so much greatness is going to come out of you from that experience. And that’s why the anger you have now, there’s different stages of grieving. And that’s what you’re doing. And you went through whatever stages first, the sad, the and sometimes you. You even have like these fond memories. Like that’s a stage. You’re like, I miss. You like yearn for that person. And it’s not even the person. You yearn for that.
Comfortability that connection that you had, but then you’re like snap out of it, like now that I’ve been starting to date and stuff too, which I never did in my life. I am, I hate that I have one thing to compare to, but I’ll go back and be like, well I liked that about that relationship, and then I’m like, but now I’m romanticizing something that also maybe wasn’t, maybe wasn’t what it was. I think just, I think I get like a little mad at myself that I’m like, why am I still in this stage of any sort of breakup? Like I should be over it, but I think the point is everyone has has all different journeys in general and I think especially with breakups, like I am over that.
person but I’m angry that I let myself deal with those things in a relationship and being and felt betrayed by that person and I respect that but I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself I think you need to be a little kinder to you because you’re out of it so many people don’t get out of bad situations so especially with It’s lame, but it’s around the holidays. I know that’s a lame excuse, but normally people are like, oh, it’s the holidays. Then you’re like, oh, then it’s New Year’s. Then it’s Valentine’s Day. It’s stupid, but those things. People pay attention to that stuff. So, I think even the holidays, feeling isolated, going through what you were going through, all of those things, feeling probably the weakest version of yourself emotionally. And you still made one of the strongest decisions is just to put yourself first. Like that’s something you need to commend yourself for. And having something to say to people now, like if people want to. Have something to take away from you. They should take away that strength. And take away like. Yeah. No. I went through this experience. But I don’t want anyone to settle for that. Regardless of your size. Your age. And I will say. The first relationship anyone’s in. Sometimes you’re a teenager. Sometimes you’re 27. That’s the hardest one to get over. Yeah. At least that’s how like me and my friends are. Yeah. That’s what I’ve been told. Yes. I remember my first love still. And I’m like, that was not love.
Right.
But. You’re romanticizing. It’s this fantasy. So I think, you know, this is, you’re still in that grieving stage and it can take years. And I think no matter what, my ex-husband, I still, we haven’t been married in over 10 years. And I’ll still remember things from that marriage that I’m like, I want that again in a different person. I think it’s also okay to cherry pick things from different relationships and be like, I want that. Even friendships. Be like, I love how I’m friends with this person or I like how that person talks to me or treats me. I think all those things are totally okay to do and you should, as long as you can say it without the anger or the sadness, I think that’s the step you have to get over. Just saying it like matter-of-factly, but not in any hurry. You go through that when you go through it.
In terms of relationships with you since you’ve been in the public eye for so long like do you feel in that same way with like I asked about your body like do you feel that with relationships like when that ended with Lamar like that you owed people answers or like I’m trying to navigate like what am I going to do next I probably won’t I don’t think I can’t say I don’t know but I don’t think I will put my relationship out there in the way I did because then I feel like people feel like you owe them answers.
Totally and I think definitely with every, well, I know with every relationship I’ve become more guarded publicly, but I know with Lamar, it was anything. I was so in love and it was so public and so all over the place. I didn’t have a care in the world. And then when it was, when I was going through my divorce, not that I felt the need to answer publicly, like on a social platform, because it just was. It wasn’t the same as it is now.
It wasn’t the same, yeah. People weren’t as like transparent online too, yeah. I feel like it was like photos on Instagram more and that was normal. Totally.
And there was like not really a caption, yeah. It was like a Pinterest page, yeah. Which I love. But so I would explain myself on my show because I feel like that’s my job too. And with Tristan, I feel the same way. I felt like I would never give, you know, people do like statements and like they post it with their publicist. I’ve never been that person. But that’s because I have a platform like my TV show. Right.
And you’re like, I’ll do this there.
Right. So I do that there. But moving forward, I would never unless I’m like in a really serious relationship, I wouldn’t have; some like I wouldn’t back in the day would date someone and have the cameras follow me. Yeah. Because it was just a different time. I would never do that now. And I’m not even sure how much I would want. them on the show per se, not that I want to be secretive. I just think that we all deserve a little piece of privacy, and for me, that’s that. But I would still maybe have pictures of them here or there; I would still have them on my show a little bit because I think that’s also I don’t want to be withholding anything.
But what you’re saying is the difference between secret and private-like, that is a difference. Yes, you’re not being secretive; you’re not hiding someone like… but, no matter what, if you are, you’re allowed to have privacy, yes.
There’s just levels to it. But you have to teach people how to treat you, and people will learn once you teach them that, so whatever you allow, that’s what they’re going to have to accept. And you’re going to have to get over the guilt of ‘am I letting them down? Am I not giving them enough’? I mean, social media is definitely a gift and a curse. You don’t want to fall into that quicksand.
I have another question for you in terms of like relationship. Like, were you and did you have like a very angry stage where then how do you let that anger go? Not for that person, but for you.
Oh, my God. Was I in an angry stage? It’s weird now that so much time has passed with Lamar. Like, I sort of forget exactly my anger stage, but I know I had one.
Yeah.
But because Tristan is more recent. I mean, I did not talk to Tristan for a long time.
Now I’m like remembering you screaming on TV. So was that after Lamar? I’m sure both.
Oh, the liar? The liar was after Tristan. I’m like, ‘oh wait’, so you were angry. No, I was so angry. But I was like, ‘I did not handle it well’. Angry. Liar! That was, yes. But I’ve been angry for both parties. But Tristan, I was definitely angrier probably on camera like a Lamar stuff I felt like I had like more alone time with that but um you just work through it but I remember I mean sadly Tristan’s mom passed away but we weren’t talking until his mom did pass away and so it made me be like ‘oh there’s bigger things happening, yeah And I knew eventually I would move on because we had kids together. I think when you don’t have kids with someone, you can hold on to that anger more. Right. Because you don’t have to talk to them. So it’s easier. But I’m the type of person. The only way to get through your feelings is to literally go through the feelings. Yeah. So you have to live them. I don’t like when people are like, ‘It’s been six months. Get over it.’ Or ‘It’s been years. I’m not going to be over it till I want to be over it. And if you want to be angry, but I’m someone who… I would write a lot. I like to write just for myself, not for anybody. And that’s therapy for me. I will be a beast in the gym because I will box and I will do whatever and envision whoever I need to envision that I’m kicking their ass. Like those things are my therapy. And everyone’s different. You might need to go to like a real therapist and talk it out. Whatever the case may be, but I think all those feelings are fine. I’m not someone that needs to talk to that other person for closure. Yeah.
Well, I’ve learned that you’re not going to get that. You’re not going to get it. You have to give that to yourself.
They’re probably going to anger you more because people just say what, like to protect themselves or they like to manipulate the story. And so I don’t like, like we need to have a face-to-face. I’m like, no, no, no, no, no. Because that will rile me. Yeah, up but yeah, I think all of that’s really normal, but I will say and my mom tells me there is like this cooling off period and that can take years, it could take months, but I would say give it between two to three years, yeah, I’m serious, that’s normal, and I’m like, okay, great, no, I can look at you again, no, it sucks, but the first year don’t even think about not being angry, yeah, and if you’re Not angry in the first year. Maybe that relationship just didn’t really matter to you that much.
Right.
Which is fine. Yeah. But I think it’s really normal to be a brutal beast for a few years. Are you still very angry?
No, no. I just think that that was part of me wanting to. The body stuff specifically. Like that’s what I just feel like I needed. It’s hurtful. I started realizing it really delayed what I was taking. And way after the breakup. And I felt like it was. It’s been like living inside of me. And I needed to talk. Like I need to say it out loud. And I do feel like all of this. And why I wanted to talk about it will actually be. Just to relief on me. I feel like it’s kind of been all of this has been like eating me alive inside a little bit.
So for me, my dad died when I was 19. And for some reason, I could not. talk about him like for years after. And I remember I was filming either season one or season two of Keeping Up… And one of the producers sat me down and was like, ‘You’re going to talk about this in an interview.’ And I was so angry. And I answered, and I was like tears streaming down my face. And it’s I don’t know what I was so angry about. Like it was, you know, he passed away. It was a horrible situation, but it was years later. And I just never would speak about it. And after I did that interview, and after it aired. I remember after I left the interview, I felt so exhausted. And I was like, ‘That took everything out of me.’ And I was… I think, maybe a little bit angrier. And then when it aired, it was almost like it was taken away from me. And I can talk about my dad. Obviously, my dad died when I was 19. I’m 40 now. But I could talk about him all day long. I never get sad. I actually love talking about him. It makes me so happy. But I will say that interview, and I’ll never forget as much as I hated it then, I’ll never forget how much it helped me work through my grief and my anger. And sometimes you do like you might have to talk about it. And as much as you’re trying to set your boundaries for your privacy and what you deserve, maybe this is what needs to happen to almost close that chapter.
I think so.
So you can then say, OK, I’m doing this because it’s eating me alive. And I feel like in a way that your community deserves that you’re following. But then respectfully, you do want to have these guardrails and boundaries for your life. And that’s OK. And then there’s like no more guilt because you’ve now you’re starting the new version of you already in a private way. Yeah.
I feel like I’ve had this pause on myself of like, I don’t know what to post. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do until this is out there. And I always knew that I would put not just the relationship stuff, the surgery, the everything I knew would. Be put out there I didn’t know that it would affect me this much and I didn’t know by not talking about it and I think it’s just the person I am like I still need to be somewhat of an open person that’s how I am and I don’t want to feel like I’m living and walking on eggshells and I do have a lot to say and I do have a lot to share while still keeping those boundaries so I do and I’m hoping that This, like, releases some of that a little bit.
I think it will. And I think moving forward, you can talk about if you want to, like, I’m not feeling great today about myself and people will relate to that. I think you’re also going to be exposed to maybe a different community of people that are going through similar things as you because you’re not the only one. And if you can be like that beacon of light for people, not to put, you know, a heavy responsibility on you, but more in a positive way. I think that’s a beautiful thing.
Well, thank you. Thank you for having this conversation with me. I feel like I do feel like trust in a safe space with you. I think it’s the who you give off as a person. And I’m very grateful that I could have this conversation with you.
That makes me happy, Remy. Thank you.
